Shake It Off

Rejection is a huge part of my life and I hate how subjecting myself to near constant rejection has made me a more defensive person. I’m sensitive to begin with and the amount of rejection I’ve had to face as an actor can feel unbearable. At the end of the day I’m someone who wants everyone to like me.

Or maybe that’s not it.

Maybe I seek rejection. Maybe it adds fuel to my fire. I mean I have to be ok with it on some level or I would be doing something else. Right?
I have to be ok with people not liking me, not choosing me.
But I never really get ok with it. Sometimes it hurts more than other times. Sometimes a series of rejections builds up until one tiny little rejection makes me explode.

For example, I was at a party last week and an actor friend told me that he doesn’t follow me on Instagram because he doesn’t want to see a bunch of “pictures of me in clothes.” I was coming off of what could be described as a rejection filled week and this final kiss off felt like a stab to my heart. I like this guy a lot and here he is basically telling me that he finds photos of me annoying. I’m not proud of how I handled the situation (I may have openly un-followed him in front of our friends and cited that he DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THAT MANY FOLLOWERS!!! Terrible.)

Afterward I asked some trusted girlfriends who were at the party if I had over-reacted. They did that thing that all good friends do when they are lying to you; agree while not making eye contact. Then someone chirped in “I get it Amelia, rejection doesn’t feel good.” It definitely doesn’t. In fact it made me question my whole instagram account. Do I post too many photos of myself in clothes?? Am I annoying everyone?? Down the rabbit hole I went.

Now this is a silly little story but sometimes the silliest little stories show you the most about yourself.

Here’s what I’ve learned about rejection… I hate it. Rejection always makes me question who I am and what I stand for. Which I almost hate more than the initial blow off. I wish I was some super strong person who just did whatever the f*** I wanted all the time and didn’t give an ish but I’m not. The cool thing is that I’ve learned this about myself and now I can act accordingly. I’ve gotten better at not harboring pain and resentment towards the people or institutions that reject me. If I’m feeling a little angry I can write about it in my journal and that makes it dissipate. At the end of the day it’s not personal. I read a great quote from my girl crush Taylor Swift the other day.

“If you’re upset that I’m just being myself, I’m going to be myself more.”

And once I make this shift from not thinking the haters are right and I’m wrong or vice versa I can go “cool, let’s move on.”

Let’s move on to talking about how it’s finally (sort of*) sweater weather in Los Angeles! I love this look because it’s basically dorm room dressing that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to wear in public. Especially when I add the swipe of bright lipstick. This is my fav holiday color right now and I’m pretty sure it looks good on everyone. My friend Grasie loves it too.
xx