As an actress I knew this day would come – the day that I would be in a teeny tiny bathroom perched on top of a sink with an apple box beneath me to steady myself while simulating sex with a man I barely know, all while the DP rolls camera and the director yells out words like “insertion” and “climax.” Not to mention it’s also February in New York at the time and I am having to take my shirt on and off. The tiny bathroom is freezing and it’s actually a relief when we are rolling to have a warm strangers body pressed against mine.

I got by for a long time playing teenagers, doing commercials and theater, but I always knew if I continued acting into adulthood I would have to go a little further than a stage kiss. I was admittedly afraid of showing this most vulnerable side of myself on camera.

There is a lot about being an actor that is out of your control and that can be sucky. The old saying, “if you can do anything else and be happy…” was not created in vain. I have done other things and unless I am acting as well I am simply not happy. With that being said, a little over a year ago, I made the commitment to be in class once a week and started working with my acting coach Steve Braun.

I was in Steve’s class for little more than a month when he asked me what I was most afraid of. I knew instantaneously, my sexuality. “Ugh” I thought. “Why did I say that out loud? Now I’m going to have to work on it.” The thought of finding out where sexuality “lived in me” and then working it out in front of a group of strangers felt really insane. However, when assigned a partner, I remember thinking, “huh, ok that guy seems cool and I think I could do something sexual with him”. I brought in a very over the top scene where I tell this dude I like him and ask if we can sleep in a bed together, not exactly “9 and 1/2 weeks” but I had to start somewhere and guess what? I didn’t die. It was actually pretty exciting and the following week, I felt comfortable bringing in something a little more risque. Before I knew it I was making out with every guy in the class and even flirting with some girls too. O.K. not exactly but I did loosen up.

Cut to last month when the awesome director Michelle Bossycalled me out of the blue and offered me the starring role in her short film. She had lost her local actress and asked if could she fly me to New York to replace her. I immediately said yes. Then Michelle said “not so fast there’s a sex scene” but it didn’t matter at all because I had literally been spending the last year ramping up to this.

To make matters even better, when I met my co-star Raul Castillo from HBO’s Looking, we had an easy chemistry and I felt totally safe with him. When it came to shoot the scene I really wasn’t nervous at all. In fact I felt some awesome synchronicity in the universe. Some part of me knew this opportunity was going to present itself and so I practiced for it.

Not everyone’s fears are the same. Sexuality just happened to be what I was nervous to express. I’ve come to believe that art really only happens when we expose the parts of ourselves that we try to hide. For some people that’s anger, for others it’s sadness, kindness, or humor. Acting is one of the more revealing art forms because there’s nothing to hide behind, it’s all you.

I know I’ll have to do other love scenes and they may not all go as smoothly as this one but I feel so lucky to have been able to have my “first time” with a truly lovely actor who anyone would be lucky to smooch for a living.

She Grinds Her Own Coffee is currently being edited and will then be submitted to festivals. Stay tuned for more details!